Thursday, February 24, 2011

I miss you mom...

It was four years ago today that I was forced to say goodbye to someone I would never EVER want to say goodbye to. My mom, my hero, my best friend. It is not fair that she is not here with me when I need her the most...or is she?

I think mom is here with me in my instinct as a mother, my warmth as a human being. my patience as a teacher, and my courage in the fight with the disease that she suffered with for over 30 years.

I did not travel to Texas to say goodbye to mom because I have never been ready to let her go. I could come up with many logical excuses as to why I was not there with her, but none would be as real to me as simply not wanting to say goodbye. Not many people understand that, and to them I say "I could care less what you think."

Mom and I did not always agree. Many times I was so angry with her for not protecting me from the wrath of my father, so many times I judged her decisions and I did not understand her, but I never EVER stopped loving and respecting her because she was my mom. She did not always know best, she could be stubborn at times and difficult to understand, but she loved me and I loved her. A few thousand miles between us did not change that at all. If anything, it made our relationship stronger.

Just before she slipped into her final sleep, I was able to talk to her on the telephone. She told me that she loved me, and that she would never give up. "I will never give up!" She was not ready to say goodbye. I was not ready to say goodbye, but life had other plans. I knew mom was suffering, she could barely move or take a breath without excruciating pain, however she knew her work here on earth was not done. So much drama, so much angst, so many issues yet unresolved but no one understood that. No one could see that. Mom did not have the choice. WE do not have a choice. Death comes when it is ready, and if you are not ready...too bad.

Life was that way for mom. She was not ready to say goodbye to her own mother...too bad. Life with my father was not easy...too bad. The pain and suffering of RA was not her choice...too bad. She was not ready to retire from her teaching career that she loved SO much...too bad. She did not want me to move my family 2000 miles away...too bad. I am sorry mom, I know that broke your heart but breaking your heart was not my intention.

Perhaps that is the greatest lesson that mom leaves us with.  Death will come when you least expect it.  Ready or not makes no damn difference.  You MUST live each day, and love the people in your life so completely as if it were your last chance to do so.  You may not get a second chance.

Life is what it is. Experiences, problems, tragedies come and go at their will and we have no say in the matter. What we do have say in is how we are going to deal. I am still trying to figure all of that out. Hopefully I will have the time, the intelligence and the patience to make the right choices when it comes to my life. Hopefully I can close my eyes, look deep within my heart and ask "what would mom do?", and be able to hear that answer.

"God bless you mom, I love you!"

 12/26/1930 - 02/24/2007

Arthritis Foundation


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I am a work from home mom of five amazing children, and five beautiful grandchildren. Enjoying my 50's and all that life has to offer.

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