Sunday, February 13, 2011

February 13, 2011

My 365...

I believe everyone in life has experienced moments in their childhood or early life that may have been troublesome, and hard on the heart. I know I have. Growing up with a father who could be very cruel and controlling often made me feel insignificant and never good enough. Even my mom, who in my eyes was a saint, did very little to protect me from my father's harshness and heavy hand. Did that shape the person I was to become? It really did, but not in ways that most would assume or experts would predict. Quite the contrary, those experiences, as negative and hard as they were, did not effect my outcome in a dark way at all. It provided for me immeasurable incentive to be the best person that I could be.  Incentive to get it right for me.  I loved my father even though I often did not understand his actions.

I am a gentle and loving human being. Despite all the sorrow and disappointment that has crossed my path, I find life to be an amazing journey. And if I fell along the way, I did not scream to the world, "My life sucks because my father was a horrible father!" If I stumbled, I would figure out where "I" went wrong, brush myself off, then take a step forward to make it make my life better.

So I wonder, how can a child who is loved and nurtured end up so bitter and angry? I have always been there for my children, and have always been honest with them as well. No matter how much I love them, if I have witnessed or do witness behavior that in my heart as a mother I feel is wrong or negative, I will say something.  If it is apparent to me that they are not living their best life emotionally and healthfully, isn't that what a mother is supposed to do? My answer to that question is absolutely. Absolutely when you are dealing with a child who has a healthy spirit and a healthy heart. However, if the child is disturbed or unbalanced on a deeper level that is beyond control, they are easily broken by what a mother perceives as love. Rather than create an environment of love and support, it creates an attitude of hatred and self loathing that can prevent them from being the best that they can their best life.

Over the last few months I have experienced this very thing in my life with one of my children. I have tried to help, but what ended up happening was an unraveling of my own heart and spirit. When you give and give, and try to carry the burden of others, two things happen. One, the burden becomes so heavy you are no longer living your own best life, and second, nothing changes in the life of the person you are trying to help. It continues to crumble and takes you down with them. Not a good thing at all.

What is the solution to such a complex problem? For me it has been to step out of their lives. Not because I want to, but because I had no choice. Will that change in the future? I honestly do not know, as it is not up to me. What happens next is completely up to them. I may die without ever being in their life again, and that saddens me, but being sad today takes precious room from any joy that could come. I have come to terms with it, that is what I have had to do. It is what it is, and no amount of sadness or tears from me is going to change a darn thing, so why continue to shed them? Tears are best reserved for happy times...or stubbing my toe.

My photo of the day...

I asked the boys to finish organizing their video games and put them neatly away. This is as far as they got.

 "What are you doing Blake?"  "Mom, we are testing the games to be sure they still work!"  Ahhh, I see.  Hard to argue with that logic.  Carry on....

"My birthday wish for myself a set of toe guards, there is nothing more painful that stubbing one's toe!"

Music I am listening to...this and this.

Until next time...


Welcome to Mommy plus Five

I am a work from home mom of five amazing children, and five beautiful grandchildren. Enjoying my 50's and all that life has to offer.

Time to start a new 365.

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