Tuesday, April 17, 2012
April 17, 2012
4:08 PM | 
Posted by
Veronica |
My 365...
Blake was watching a movie last night, "Mrs. Doubtfire", and he asked me, "Mom, how many times can a person get married?"
"Well honey, there really is no limit. If you find that you have married the wrong person in your life, and things don't work out, you "can" get divorced. And if by chance, another love comes along, you can get remarried. That is never an easy solution, and I sincerely hope you never find yourself there...but it can happen."
"That seems wrong mom."
"Blake, what if daddy and I were to split up? And what if I found another love and wanted to get remarried? What would you think?"
"NO-WAY mom!"
"Why not?"
"I don't need two fathers in my life, and I sure as heck don't need two mothers! You are all the mother I need."
"Oh I see. Okay boss."
And that...as always...was the end of that conversation!
I was thinking the other day, that on the surface, Jack and I have a really terrific story. We met on an exciting night of dancing, a Friday the 13th. We lived together for a year, we have been married for 27 years, together for 28, yes separated for 6 years...but remained married. We have come back together into one household, trying to build a "home" together but he is still lagging behind. He does love me, very much, but he does not love "us", the family, as much as he should.
I will be the first to admit that my marriage has been pretty darn hopeless for years now. Jack and I have nothing in common. The older he gets, the less I get him...the less I like him. But for me, it has always been about my children. When Jack and I were separated for six years, and I had the opportunity to meet another, my boys made it very clear that NO ONE was allowed to touch their mama if they wanted to see the light of day. They would be sitting with shotguns locked and loaded at the front door ready to chase away any potential suitors. I met some terrific men during that period, but they were not as important to me as my children where. In many ways, I was the protective mama bear that would never let a stranger near her cubs. And they were my protective cubs that sure as hell were not going to let anyone near mama bear!
It is a bit sad waking up one morning after 28 years, thinking of the person you shared your entire life with, and realizing there is really nothing there. No love, simply empathy, no passion, only pity, no anger, only acceptance that it is what it is.
But even stranger than all of the above, it is so comforting feeling that personally, internally, it is really not a big deal at this point in my life right now. It is not my focus. For the last 26 years, my focus has been my children. They have kept my mind and my heart very busy, so missing a special love in my life was not "as" noticeable. Spending the last two years rediscovering myself, has left little time for noticing the missing love in my life as well. I really like me, and happen to enjoy my own company. No, I am not being some horrid egotistical fiend...but it is pretty darn amazing when you can feel happy being alone.
"What are you saying here Veronica, you don't matter?"
Quite the contrary my friends. What I am saying is that I 'do' matter. "I" matter. Taking care of me, being happy for me, focusing on me and celebrating the boys and now my grandson make "me" very happy. If somewhere down the line that should change, Jack should finally bust a brain cell or two and realize the awesomeness that are his sons, or my knight in shinning armor comes walking up with gray hair and a handsome cane...so be it. I will cross that bridge when I get to it. But for now, I am happy as happy can be.
As for Jack...I continue to share this life with him. I continue to hope that one day he opens his eyes and realizes how amazing his sons are and really truly feels the honor that comes with being their father. I can't make that happen for him. And I am going to stop trying now. As long as he remains peaceful, he can remain a part of our lives. And if a day should come where he needs more, I will certainly let him go. After all, it is not I who has been holding on to him for all these years. The door has always been open.
If you do have that "once in a lifetime" love sharing this life with you, kudos. If you don't, my hope for you is that you can find joy in yourself, and in your life. For if you can not find it there...you will never find it anywhere else. I have, I really and truly have....everything else will fall into place eventually. If indeed that is the way things should be.
There is joy to be had for all of us. And it all begins where you are standing...with yourself. <3
Back to home school lessons, and looking forward to this evenings biking adventure. I really love this new daily activity. Biking is fun! :)
My photos of the day...
A new mystery bud in the garden.
Dozer, discovering the garden with me.
***Update***
Water break.
Park break.
Boy break. :)
***Doggy Daily***
"Me too!"
"Yes x 2." :)
Music I am listening to today...Jim Brickman
Blake was watching a movie last night, "Mrs. Doubtfire", and he asked me, "Mom, how many times can a person get married?"
"Well honey, there really is no limit. If you find that you have married the wrong person in your life, and things don't work out, you "can" get divorced. And if by chance, another love comes along, you can get remarried. That is never an easy solution, and I sincerely hope you never find yourself there...but it can happen."
"That seems wrong mom."
"Blake, what if daddy and I were to split up? And what if I found another love and wanted to get remarried? What would you think?"
"NO-WAY mom!"
"Why not?"
"I don't need two fathers in my life, and I sure as heck don't need two mothers! You are all the mother I need."
"Oh I see. Okay boss."
And that...as always...was the end of that conversation!
I was thinking the other day, that on the surface, Jack and I have a really terrific story. We met on an exciting night of dancing, a Friday the 13th. We lived together for a year, we have been married for 27 years, together for 28, yes separated for 6 years...but remained married. We have come back together into one household, trying to build a "home" together but he is still lagging behind. He does love me, very much, but he does not love "us", the family, as much as he should.
I will be the first to admit that my marriage has been pretty darn hopeless for years now. Jack and I have nothing in common. The older he gets, the less I get him...the less I like him. But for me, it has always been about my children. When Jack and I were separated for six years, and I had the opportunity to meet another, my boys made it very clear that NO ONE was allowed to touch their mama if they wanted to see the light of day. They would be sitting with shotguns locked and loaded at the front door ready to chase away any potential suitors. I met some terrific men during that period, but they were not as important to me as my children where. In many ways, I was the protective mama bear that would never let a stranger near her cubs. And they were my protective cubs that sure as hell were not going to let anyone near mama bear!
It is a bit sad waking up one morning after 28 years, thinking of the person you shared your entire life with, and realizing there is really nothing there. No love, simply empathy, no passion, only pity, no anger, only acceptance that it is what it is.
But even stranger than all of the above, it is so comforting feeling that personally, internally, it is really not a big deal at this point in my life right now. It is not my focus. For the last 26 years, my focus has been my children. They have kept my mind and my heart very busy, so missing a special love in my life was not "as" noticeable. Spending the last two years rediscovering myself, has left little time for noticing the missing love in my life as well. I really like me, and happen to enjoy my own company. No, I am not being some horrid egotistical fiend...but it is pretty darn amazing when you can feel happy being alone.
"What are you saying here Veronica, you don't matter?"
Quite the contrary my friends. What I am saying is that I 'do' matter. "I" matter. Taking care of me, being happy for me, focusing on me and celebrating the boys and now my grandson make "me" very happy. If somewhere down the line that should change, Jack should finally bust a brain cell or two and realize the awesomeness that are his sons, or my knight in shinning armor comes walking up with gray hair and a handsome cane...so be it. I will cross that bridge when I get to it. But for now, I am happy as happy can be.
As for Jack...I continue to share this life with him. I continue to hope that one day he opens his eyes and realizes how amazing his sons are and really truly feels the honor that comes with being their father. I can't make that happen for him. And I am going to stop trying now. As long as he remains peaceful, he can remain a part of our lives. And if a day should come where he needs more, I will certainly let him go. After all, it is not I who has been holding on to him for all these years. The door has always been open.
If you do have that "once in a lifetime" love sharing this life with you, kudos. If you don't, my hope for you is that you can find joy in yourself, and in your life. For if you can not find it there...you will never find it anywhere else. I have, I really and truly have....everything else will fall into place eventually. If indeed that is the way things should be.
There is joy to be had for all of us. And it all begins where you are standing...with yourself. <3
Back to home school lessons, and looking forward to this evenings biking adventure. I really love this new daily activity. Biking is fun! :)
My photos of the day...
A new mystery bud in the garden.
***Update***
I enjoyed another lovely bike ride this evening. Dozer gets so upset when I leave, so tonight I decided to try and let him ride with me. He did great! I had to take it nice and slow for him, and make several pit stops to let him drink and rest, but it was great fun.
I was thinking next time I might hook up the bike trailer and let him ride comfortably behind me. :)
***Doggy Daily***
"Companions for life right mama?"
Music I am listening to today...Jim Brickman
Until next time..."Holding on to resentment is like holding your breath...you suffocate." ~~ Deepak Chopra
Peace.
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Love,
Peace.
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Love,
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