Mommy plus Five

It is time for sleep, but I am not tired.  Maybe a good movie or something will help me sleep.  Finding sleep has been hard this week, and I am confused as to why?

I tend to be a creature of habit, and my nighttime routines are no exception.  I see to it that the dogs are taken care of, that the kitchen and living room are clean...I hate waking up to an messy kitchen...then I get the boys to bed, check my email, then lay down with a book to read or simply close my eyes and go to sleep.

This week has been different.  The routines are the same, but the second my head hits the pillow, I am overwhelmed with sorrow.  The sobbing gut wrenching sadness that leaves me feeling so frantic and helpless.  It is so powerful it literally chokes me.  It is so hard to cry quietly when the sobs start coming on strong.  I don't want Jack or the boys to hear me so I keep as quiet as possible.

What is this sadness all about?  It is the quiet times at night just before bed that I miss Brandon the most.  When I am busy with my days, the key is trying to keep up with work, and school and the boys and the dogs and the household chores, so there is no time to feel the sadness.  At night when I am alone and it is dark and quiet and it feels like it is only me against the world, then it hits me and it hits me like a freight train.  And all I can do is cry.  Nothing can comfort me.  Nothing helps to make me feel better.  I am alone in my sadness and it consumes me.  It hurts as if my son has died.  He is left us so completely, leaving us no way to reach out to him and it is like he is gone forever and I miss him desperately.  I miss the fun talks we had together, I miss his great cooking, and funny jokes, and the way he loved his little brother Blake.  I hate that I have never had the opportunity to talk to him about everything that has happened.  I hate that I have never been given the opportunity to heal our relationship.

Brandon, I miss you so much son.  We have always had a great relationship.  You and I could talk about anything.  I have always been there for you your entire life.  I have never ever let you down.  Please come and talk to me.  Let me give you a great big hug and tell you how much you mean to us...your family.  I love you so much honey, we all do.

Please...