Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Enough!
12:03 PM | 
Posted by
Veronica |
I am really disappointed in me today. I woke up feeling heavy and sad and generally not happy with life. Why?
I allowed my sisters to drag me back into a world I had abandoned a long time ago. That world was the world of my family. I am not saying that I had a bad family, because that would imply that I had bad parents...and my parents were amazing. My mom dedicated her entire life to us. She worked full time, she cared for her mother in her last years, she cared for us, she cared for her husband and she lived the last 30 or so years of her life battling disease and doing so with grace and courage. And mom never complained. She accepted and celebrated everything God sent her way.
Daddy was different. He was charming and generous to people who knew him. He could be impatient and scary to me, but I loved him. He was not perfect, in many ways his actions could be cruel and selfish, but as I have grown older I have come to the realization that despite all of that, he loved mom and he loved my sisters and I more than anything else in his world. I also realized that daddy carried a lot of depression in his mind and in his heart and he did the best with what he had.
I moved away from Texas in 1996, and have never been back and will more than likely never go back. Every family has skeletons in the closet, and when I crossed the border of Texas...I left all that heaviness and sadness behind with no intention of ever letting it into my life again. I haven't and I never will. Those feelings left behind were dark and heavy and sad and I never wanted to experience life that way again. I would not be defined by my past, I would create my own family and live my life my way. After all, isn't that what we all set out to do?
I kept my family in my life from a comfortable distance. I tried to talk on the phone daily to my mom and dad, and every now and then with my sisters, but I was not in that same bubble of control that I felt in Texas. I could breathe freely, and it has been great.
No one is perfect. Certainly I do not claim to be perfect. But I know I am a good person and there is nothing about my life that shames me. Not one thing. Since living here in Idaho I have dealt with some sadness and some stress, but they have been MY stresses to work out on my own. And I have done that and continue to do that today. My stress on my terms with my solutions. No external factors or people to dictate to me how to be or not to be in my own life. Isn't that what we all strive for?
So why the heaviness and sadness today? I have two sisters who are very different from myself. I love them both dearly, but I do not like the person they are. We have nothing in common. Every now and then they fling open that door to the past and attempt to pull me back in but I refuse to go there. So today I nail that door shut! I nail it shut because neither one of them wants to work with me to deal with the skeletons. All they want to do is cast blame and hurt and when I get caught up in that game I change who I am in order to stay afloat, and I start to do the same thing. I do not like being that person. I am not that person. Being angry and vindictive and cruel is not part of my makeup. So enough! Enough. Exit stage left, Veronica is done. I will leave the drama to the professionals.
Mom and dad are in MY heart the way I remember them to be period. I loved them, and they loved me and I will love them forever. Our life was not perfect, but it was "our" life. My mom was, still is and will always be my hero. And my daddy was, still is and will always be my daddy. <3 If my sisters chose to cut me from their lives, so be it. I am now and will always be their sister...but I am Veronica first, last and always. I forgive and forget all that was not right in my world then and now and move on. Amen!
"No one can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
Okay...back to the real world...Amber made some hot fresh scones for breakfast, and I have testing for a new project today. It is going to be an amazing day!!
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Love,
I allowed my sisters to drag me back into a world I had abandoned a long time ago. That world was the world of my family. I am not saying that I had a bad family, because that would imply that I had bad parents...and my parents were amazing. My mom dedicated her entire life to us. She worked full time, she cared for her mother in her last years, she cared for us, she cared for her husband and she lived the last 30 or so years of her life battling disease and doing so with grace and courage. And mom never complained. She accepted and celebrated everything God sent her way.
Daddy was different. He was charming and generous to people who knew him. He could be impatient and scary to me, but I loved him. He was not perfect, in many ways his actions could be cruel and selfish, but as I have grown older I have come to the realization that despite all of that, he loved mom and he loved my sisters and I more than anything else in his world. I also realized that daddy carried a lot of depression in his mind and in his heart and he did the best with what he had.
I moved away from Texas in 1996, and have never been back and will more than likely never go back. Every family has skeletons in the closet, and when I crossed the border of Texas...I left all that heaviness and sadness behind with no intention of ever letting it into my life again. I haven't and I never will. Those feelings left behind were dark and heavy and sad and I never wanted to experience life that way again. I would not be defined by my past, I would create my own family and live my life my way. After all, isn't that what we all set out to do?
I kept my family in my life from a comfortable distance. I tried to talk on the phone daily to my mom and dad, and every now and then with my sisters, but I was not in that same bubble of control that I felt in Texas. I could breathe freely, and it has been great.
No one is perfect. Certainly I do not claim to be perfect. But I know I am a good person and there is nothing about my life that shames me. Not one thing. Since living here in Idaho I have dealt with some sadness and some stress, but they have been MY stresses to work out on my own. And I have done that and continue to do that today. My stress on my terms with my solutions. No external factors or people to dictate to me how to be or not to be in my own life. Isn't that what we all strive for?
So why the heaviness and sadness today? I have two sisters who are very different from myself. I love them both dearly, but I do not like the person they are. We have nothing in common. Every now and then they fling open that door to the past and attempt to pull me back in but I refuse to go there. So today I nail that door shut! I nail it shut because neither one of them wants to work with me to deal with the skeletons. All they want to do is cast blame and hurt and when I get caught up in that game I change who I am in order to stay afloat, and I start to do the same thing. I do not like being that person. I am not that person. Being angry and vindictive and cruel is not part of my makeup. So enough! Enough. Exit stage left, Veronica is done. I will leave the drama to the professionals.
Mom and dad are in MY heart the way I remember them to be period. I loved them, and they loved me and I will love them forever. Our life was not perfect, but it was "our" life. My mom was, still is and will always be my hero. And my daddy was, still is and will always be my daddy. <3 If my sisters chose to cut me from their lives, so be it. I am now and will always be their sister...but I am Veronica first, last and always. I forgive and forget all that was not right in my world then and now and move on. Amen!
"No one can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
Okay...back to the real world...Amber made some hot fresh scones for breakfast, and I have testing for a new project today. It is going to be an amazing day!!
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