Mommy plus Five

During the past several months, I have been experiencing many changes in my life. Some good, some not so good, however all quite significant.

On a quiet night like tonight where all the boys are sleeping, the laundry is done, the kitchen is cleaned, the dogs are fed, and let out for their nature calls then back in and curled up in their usual doggy corners of the world.

This leaves me with time to ponder what has occurred in my life, and attempt to decide if they can be filed away as positive or negative events that require a certain amount of follow-up. Or simply toss them away and forget about them?

Shall I start from the beginning? Middle son B, has decided that life and the way it presents itself to all normal people is not for him. He would much rather create his own path, with his own rules and to heck with all the steps that a responsible young man should be taking. For he will forge his own. Does not matter who he hurts along the way, the bottom line is that it is his life to to with as he will.

OK, that is fine. Transformation is affirmative, and this mom, although she may not agree with the son's choices, has decided to leave the gate open. "Fly be free son" enjoy your life, live it well and try not to make a mess out of it. You only get one good chance. Guard it well.

That was two weeks ago. I have not seen, nor heard from B since then. But what I am about to tell you is shocking to me. "I don't care". no no, not that I have stopped caring for my son, I have stopped worrying about when I might hear from him or not. And this is huge for me. Because this represents to me that it is not OK to place ones life on hold when offspring are behaving poorly. Life does indeed go on for the rest of us. And it goes on quite well actually.

The pain and worry are almost all gone and no, as much as one would think there would be, there is no gaping hole. I feel good.

One down....

Then there is M. This past year, being her mother, has not been a pleasant journey for me at all. Rather than the sweet, young, beautiful girl I held in my arms the night she was born, through the day I dropped her at college for her first night away from home, not much had changed really.

Still stunning beauty, quick sense of humor, and absolutely brilliant artistic and creative mind. I left her knowing she would continue to fly high and rule the world. I "was" so proud of her.

That was 6 years ago. To see her now you would think I was pulling a fast one on you. It could not possibly be the same girl, She opens her mouth and she is loud, rude and cynical. Bordering on hateful as well. Very excruciatingly judgmental. But she is brilliant when it comes to smoke and mirrors. She surrounds herself with magical mirrors that let her see only what she wants to see, and not the horror that she has actually become. The sadness is that every single person in her entourage knows this, but does not care or love M enough to remove the rose colored mirrors. So from her, to maintain my sanity and to remain grounded and centered, I have to walk away. She has become rather toxic, and toxic does not promote a healthy life.

She permitted people to do me wrong. Rather than say "How dare you!", she skipped the fence and thanked the garbarge she brought into my lovely home. Making it clear I was no longer her mother, she has left this family. One less child I have to deal with, one less child to love and worry about. OK, I can do this. Much better than the alternative which would be accepting the lie that is that one less child" who will never really know happiness because she refuses to accept who she really is.

It is no wonder I am so exhausted all the time. But life does go on. Every day, every single sencond of every single day passes...and that is one less single second you get to live. No more missing them for me or for my babies. The older two are on their own. You may come to me if you need an ear to listen, a shoulder to lay your weary head, or a hug to warm your heart, but that is all I have to offer...forever.

And to all the moms in the world out there, a warm tight hug from me.

Onward and upward we climb. :) <3

So how do I feel? Honesty, I feel very light and free. I feel suddenly that I have been given more time to spend with the boys and above all , spend more time on me. So it is time to plug back into life. Perhaps a new wardrobe, a new car, planned adventures with the boys and the dogs. Take the next decade and provide all the love and knowledge I have to my younger two sons who up to now have only received the left overs. Not any more. Life will be awesome for them...and for me.