Mommy plus Five

Good Morning World,

Such determination the evening before. Determination to no longer feel hurt from the pain caused by my two older children. Determination to let go of the guilt and brain taxing hours spent trying to figure out where I went wrong? Did I breast feed too long or not long enough? Should I have been a 100% stay at home mom and not spend those five years building my own business? Should I have been less loving and more demanding of my children...push harder...hug less? Yes, that is how I spend the first few hours of my day. And I feel the exhaustion creeping back in...

The truth is, and I am seeing this more and more every day, I did nothing wrong. For if I had, I would have five children falling away from the nest not two. I would not see the love, determination, ambition and warmth in my oldest son. He is amazing. He works hard, he cares for his little brothers and I and even his father who was not the best dad in the world. I look at C, my second to the youngest boy, and he is so loving, caring, brilliant, creative and determined. And Blake, my baby. Sure he can be a little toot, comes with being 8. :) However, he cares so much about everyone around him. He is sensitive, funny, energetic and down right adorable. So I know this mom is doing something right. No, I am doing a lot of things right.

I have to learn to understand that moms are not 100 percent in control of our children's future. They develop their own personalities, priorities, and yes some things may go wrong that have nothing to do with the parents we were or continue to be. Society comes in, peers and other external factors that we think we may have control of, but the truth is we have none.

*sigh*

So yes, some tears this morning for me. They come every morning when I wake up and realize I have no clue where my 18 year old son is, where he lives or what he is doing. I cry. Mostly from the worry and partly from the hurt and realization that he is not wondering how I am doing or his brothers and sister.

More tears when I know that my daughter left for her elopement adventure with a young man that I really don't know and that I really do not feel is her best choice in "until death us do part" because he does not inspire her to be her very best. I have known how it feels to spend 25 years with someone who does not inspire. It is no way to live your best life.

Then a deep breath in...a gigantic exhale...and the day starts. I have very little time to spend wondering "why" and "what if I had?" because there is still so much mothering to be done.

French toast anyone? That was Blakey's breakfast order so I am off to create some French Toast magic for my baby boy.

Much love...